The Cow Theory of Government

DEMOCRAT. You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST. You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN. You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST. You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. By this time, it is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM - AMERICAN STYLE. You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE. You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE. You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION. You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION. You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION. You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

FLORIDA CORPORATION. You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION. You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

Tater People

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Spec Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be >someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real
sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters".

The Huskers Quiz

Q. What's the difference between the Huskers and the Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game.

Q. What do the Huskers and Billy Graham have in common?
A .They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."

Q. How do you keep a Husker player out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.

Q. Where do you go in Lincoln in case of a tornado?
A. Go to the Memorial Stadium; they never get a touchdown there.

Q. Why doesn't Union College have a football team?
A .Because then the University of Nebraska-Lincoln would want one.

Q. Why was Coach Solich upset when the Huskers playbook was stolen?
A .Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q. What's the difference between the Nebraska Huskers and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four good quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. What do you call 60 people around a TV watching the 2003 Fiesta Bowl?
A. The Nebraska players & staff

Q. What do the Cornhuskers and possums have in common?
A. They both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q. How can you tell when the Huskers are going to run the football?
A. Solich has tears in his eyes.

The Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

The Talking Dog

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog Free to Good Home." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is floored... but says to the owner, "This dog is amazing., incredible. Why on earth are you giving him away?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

A Final Request

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything'."

Church Marquee Signs

•The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

•Under same management for over 2000 years!

•Soul food served here.

•Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!

•Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.

•Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

•Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?

•Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

•Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!

•Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.

•It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.

•What part of "Thou Shalt Not" don't you understand?

•A clear conscience make a soft pillow.

•The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.

•Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.

•Can't Sleep? Try counting your blessings.

•Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

•Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!

•Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies.

•To belittle is to be little.

•Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.

•God answers knee-mail.

•Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

Don't Argue With Children

A little girl was telling her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

An Unfortunate Story

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does"

Whiskey River

One Sunday, a pastor preached an emotionally-charged sermon about temperance. With great passion, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis, he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river." And finally, he exhorted the congregation, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river." Amen! He sat down. The choir director then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn No. 365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

Top Ten Reasons to be an Episcopalian.

10) No snake handling.

9) You can believe in dinosaurs.

8) Male and female he created them; male and female we ordain them.

7) You don't have to check your brains at the door.

6) Pew aerobics.

5) Church year is color-coded.

4) Free wine on Sunday.

3) All of the pageantry — none of the guilt.

2) You don't have to know how to swim to get baptized.

and Number One:

1) No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.

The Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say onething." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Religious Quotations

"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife." James H. Kabbler III

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn." Fulton Sheen

"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" Quentin Crisp

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'." Charlie Brown

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible." George Burns

"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable." Mark Twain

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." Jim Carrey

"As God once said, and I think rightly..." Margaret Thatcher

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

A man appeared at the Pearly Gates and knocked. St. Peter came out and asked him what he wanted. He said "I want to get in please." St. Peter asked him to name one thing nice he had done for someone during his life. He replied that one time he saved an old woman in front of a convenience store. She was getting beat up and shoved around by a large gang of bikers out front, and so "I just went up and kicked the biggest biker in the shins, and the old lady got away." St. Peter was impressed, and asked, "How long ago did this happen?" The man replied as he looked at his watch, "Oh, about 25 seconds ago!"

You'll know yours is a Redneck Church if ...

•The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

•When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

•A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't ever been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

•Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

•Baptism is referred to as "branding."

•Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

•People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

•The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

•People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

•Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

•The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

•In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

•There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

•High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

•The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

•The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

The Navajo Woman

Susie was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Susie. "What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Susie looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for a moment... then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said ... "Good trade."

THREE BUILDINGS

A man was stranded alone on a desert island for many years. When he was rescued, there were three buildings on the island. “What are these three buildings? the rescuers asked. “This one is my home and the second one is my church.” “And the third building?” “That’s the church I used to go to!”

A CHILD'S LOYALTY

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

PUN-ishment

•Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

•Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

•Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

•A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

•Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

•A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

•A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

•These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified,they did so, by proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

•Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him ... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

•And finally, there was someone who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Finding the One

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."

- Lana Turner

Kid Talk

Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on beds next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then says, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

A Child's Perspective on Marriage

How do you decide who to marry?

•You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10

•No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
— Kirsten, age 10

What is the right age to get married?

•Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
— Camille, age 10

•No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
— Freddie, age 6

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

•You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8

What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common?

•Both don't want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?

•Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8

•On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

•I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
— Craig, age 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?

•When they're rich.
— Pam, age 7

•The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
— Curt, age 7

•The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
— Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?

•I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
— Theodore, age 8

•It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9

How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

•There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
— Kelvin, age 8

How would you make a marriage word?

•Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
— Ricky, age 10

The Redneck Special Forces

The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. They don't like barbeque.
6. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

Should be over in just about a week. Don't you think?

How Many Christians Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarenes: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Amish: None. What's a light bulb?

Questions About Heaven

Last Sunday I asked the children in Sunday School about heaven. "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

The End Is Near

A priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car. One driver that drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them: “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”

Two New Words

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and then give the new word a definition. Here are two winners from 2001 that touch on religious ideas.

REINTARNATION – Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

KARMAGEDDON – It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, man!

The Strange Noise

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Three Buddies Die in a Car Crash...

3 buddies die in a car crash & go to heaven for an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second man says, " I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, " I would like to hear them say... LOOK!! HE'S MOVING!!!"