The Gift of Laughter - Page Two -- St. Luke's Episcopal Church, Shawnee, KS



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A young girl noticed that her mother had several strands of gray hair, and she asked why. "Well," the mother said, "every time you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns gray." The little girl wrinkled her brow, thought a moment, and said: "Poor Grandma. You must have been a very, very bad girl!" Two people are marooned on a desert island. One of them is standing at the water’s edge, gazing out into the distance with a distraught and worried face. The other person is sitting back against a palm tree, perfectly relaxed. "Don't worry," he says. "I know we’ll be found soon. My church pledge is due this week." Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the command-ment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.” A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" QUESTION: What do you call it when the church’s printer copies all the pages of the service bulletin in the wrong order? ANSWER: Mass confusion! QUESTION: How can you tell a preacher is about to give a short sermon? ANSWER: Their golf shoes show. Some church definitions Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. Bulletin: 1. Cheap air conditioning. 2. Your receipt for attending Mass. Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. A Lad Writes to his pastor: “Dear Minister: I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate on Sunday, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you give a sermon about a raise in my allowance? It would help the church get more money!” Prayers for Type-A Personalities Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 a.m. est. God help me to consider people’s feelings, even if most of them are hypersensitive. God help me take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually not my fault. Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me do it exactly right. God give me patience, and I mean right now. Church Signs “Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.” “Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily.” “God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.” “Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.” “If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.” “Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!” More good reasons to be an Episcopalian • It’s easier to spell than Presbyterian • You don’t need to know how to swim to be baptized • God’s grace is given to all. Quiet, Please Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.” The Not-So-Heavenly Feast A Roman Catholic, a Jew and an Episcopalian arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter shows up, and the Roman Catholic steps forward to be let into Heaven. "Nope," says St. Peter, "you ate meat on Friday." As the Catholic heads for the other place, the Jew steps forward and asks to be admitted. "Sorry," says St. Peter, "you ate pork." The Jew departs, and the Episcopalian steps forward, confidence intact. "Sorry", says St. Peter, "you don t get in either." "What did I do?" asks the Episcopalian. "You used the wrong salad fork!" Should Have Called Rent-a-Kid A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A child answered, “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter!” Practical Sunday School Lesson A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. First she explained the commandment, "Honor thy father and thy mother." Then she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill!" You Can’t Fool This Kid! A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a checkup. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?” The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?” Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?” “Oh, no!” the little girl replied. “Jesus is in my heart. Barney’s on my underpants!” The Elderly Lady An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, “Praise the Lord!” Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!” Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed for God to send her some assistance.. She stood on her porch and shouted “Paise the Lord! God, I need food! I am having a hard time! Please, Lord, send me some groceries!” The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “Praise the Lord!” The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Ha! I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries!” The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands, saying, “Praise the Lord! He not only sent me groceries, he made the devil pay for them! Praise the Lord!” More Church Bloopers – For Real! • The third verse of “Blessed Assurance” will be sung without musical accomplishment. • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. • The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy!” • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door. • The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours!” • The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals. • Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you. • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. • Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. • The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. • Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice. • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands. • Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High". • Don't let worry kill you - let the church help. • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. • Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! • The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. • Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. • The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. • Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so. • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. • Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. • Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. • The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. • During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. • The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. • The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. • The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. • The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. • Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. • Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. An Engineer Considers Santa Claus There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run at 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them ... Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas.	Three boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $100!" The second boy says, "That's nothing. My pop scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $500!" The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My father scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" A prayer recently sent to God: "Dear Lord, so far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes and I will need a lot more help after that." A four-year-old parishioner was asked who killed Jesus. The child answered: "The Pirate ... Ponchus Pirate." A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine the laughing crowd was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.” One night Mike’s parents overheard this prayer. “Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow’s test, if I should die before I wake, that’s one less test I have to take.” Atheist Meets Monster Once, an atheist was fishing on Loch Ness in Scotland. Just as he threw out his line, the Loch Ness Monster broke the surface and capsized his boat. Fearing this was the end of his life, the frightened man cried out, “Oh God, help me!” Just as the man said this, time stood still: the water calmed, the monster became immobile and the boat stopped sinking. “You have some nerve,” said a voice from the heavens. “You have been an atheist for 25 years and now in your time of need you ask me, God Almighty, for help.” “Aw, come on and cut me some slack,” cried the atheist. “Up until five minutes ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster, either! Two people are marooned on a desert island. One of them is standing at the water’s edge, gazing into the distance with a distraught and worried face. The other person is sitting back against a palm tree, perfectly relaxed. "Don’t worry," he says, "I know we’ll be found soon. My church pledge is due this week." Letters From Kids Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. – Larry Dear God, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? – Anita Dear God, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? – Jane Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts. A priest asked a first grade Sunday school class, “Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?” A small girl replied, “Aren’t those the sins we should have committed, but didn’t?” One of the Ten On her 50th wedding anniversary, a woman revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. She said, "On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of my husband's faults which, for the sake of the marriage, I would overlook." One of her guests asked her what some of the faults she chose to overlook were. "To tell you the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to making that list. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the ten!'" Young Boy's Prayer A young boy was kneeling by his bed and saying his prayers and asked God to make him a good boy. "And make me a good boy if You can; and if You can't, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm having fun the way I am." Originally From Where? A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.” “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.” “No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian!” In The Beginning Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked! Things They Teach in Sunday School The Sunday School lesson was about how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when he learned that Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs. Later that week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill. “Johnny, what’s the matter?” his mother asked. The little boy responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!” Pray for Rain During a prolonged drought, a preacher told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain." The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the preacher saw them, he was furious. "We can't workship today. You do not yet believe," he scolded them. "But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe." "Believe?" he responded, "then where are your umbrellas?" The Jig Was Up! A Scottish tradesman, a painter named Jock, was always interested in making a pound where he could. He would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit farther, and he got away with this for some time. Then one day, the biggest church in town decided to paint their roof. Jock put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So Jock set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, buying the paint, and, yes, thinning it down with turpentine. One day he was up on the scaffold painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened up and the rain poured down, washing all the thin paint off the church. Jock was knocked off the scaffold, landing on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Now, Jock was no fool. He knew this was probably a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God, forgive me! What do you want me to do?” And from the thunder, he heard a mighty voice: “Repaint and thin no more!” Be Careful What You Ask For! There is an atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head toward him. His boat is a way off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, “Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?” The Lord replies, “As you wish,” the light retracts back into the heavens, and the man feels the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you, Lord, for this food for which I am about to receive...” They’re Taking the Scenic Route The world’s largest software company has a new TV ad for an e-mail browser that uses the musical theme of the “Confutatis Maledictis” from Mozart’s Requiem. “Where do you want to go today?” is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings, “Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis,” which translates to “The damned and accursed are convicted to the flames of hell!” Sunday Kids As they were on their way to church service, the Sunday school teacher asked her little children, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping!” The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?” They Almost Got It Right A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?" A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. The teacher asked if anyone could quote the last one. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and proclaimed, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!" A mother had been teaching her three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. After repeating the prayer with her for several evenings, the youngster decided to "go solo." The mother listened with pride as the child carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. Amen!" He Just Wanted to Sleep In One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.” “Why not?” she asked. “I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.” His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you should go to church. One, you’re 54 years old, and two, you’re the pastor!” Blessed with Three-in-One Oil A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldn’t have any children. On the way home from the doctor they decided to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer. The pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side (not a typical pastor), so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of Three-in-One oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them. About 9 months later they had triplets! Not long afterward, the couple showed up at the pastor’s study, and immediately the woman ran up to the pastor, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. The pastor was taken aback. “What was that all about”? He asked. “I’m just glad you used Three-in-One oil,” she replied, “and not WD-40!” Once Was Enough! George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man with a long flowing white beard and white hair, dressed in a long white robe. He had a staff in one hand and two stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses.” The man just ignored him and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man continued to gaze at the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes, I am!” When George W. asked why he was so uppity, the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years in the desert!” They'll Have To Change His Name An Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Cork, walked into the pub and promptly ordered three beers. The bartender raised his eyebrows, but served the man three beers, which he drank quietly at a table alone. An hour later, the man finished the three beers and ordered three more. This happened yet again. The next evening the man again ordered and drank three beers at a time. Soon the entire town was whispering about “The Man Who Orders Three Beers.” Finally, a week later, the bartender approached the man on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks are wondering why you always order three beers. ‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” The man replied, “You see, I have two brothers: one went to America, and the other to Australia. We pro-mised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.” The Bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon “The Man Who Orders Three Beers” became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him! One day in March, the man entered the pub and ordered only two beers. Realizing what this probably meant, the bartender poured them with a heavy heart. Word flew around the town. Prayers were offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day the bartender said to the man, “Folks around here want to offer our condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know, the two beers and all.” The man pondered this for a moment, then replied, “You’ll be happy to know my brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent!” Biblical BurmaShave Signs Cain was Adam’s oldest boy, Though socially unstable. He should have loved his brother, But I guess he wasn’t Abel. “I need a new image, Delilah, my spouse.” She gave him a haircut He brought down the house! David played upon the harp And sang full many a psalter. Bathsheba played upon his heart, And took him to the altar.