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Page 9 Updated on February 8, 2006 |
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| Military & Aviation Classics A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. Aim towards the Enemy. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground. If the enemy is in range, so are you. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo. You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me. Tracers work both ways. Five second fuses only last three seconds. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush. No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection. Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you. If you see a bomb technician running, follow him. Though I fly through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil. For I am at 80,000 feet and climbing. You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. -“There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter – and therefore, unsafe. When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies. Never trade luck for skill. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!" Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there! Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries. Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible. The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to. Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there. As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" An Answered Prayer. A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were, you'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night." Grandchildren. —After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?” —A grandmother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!” —My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” "You’re both old,” he replied. —A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied, “I can’t read.” —I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these for yourself!” —Our five-year-old son couldn’t wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.” The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, “What caused the submarine to sink?” With a look of incredulity Mark replied, “Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!” —When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.” —When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandma,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four to six.” —A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change “y” to “i” and add ‘es.’” —“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” instructed a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.” —A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?” Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV, “The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!” —A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close: “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.” The Things We Learn from Kids. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Sunday School Stories STORY OF ELIJAH The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. “Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!" LOT'S WIFE The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted. "My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!" GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up." DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied David J. "How could he, with just two worms." HIGHER POWER A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!" MOSES & THE RED SEA Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!" THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task – but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know. |
The Top Problems with Home Schooling 1. Chicks aren't too impressed by a varsity letter in "Chores." 2. Pajamas you ain't been out of all semester are the source of fungi specimens for your biology lesson. 3. "Once again, today's lesson will be given by Regis and Kathie Lee..." 4. You're sick to death of this fall's only course: "History of Your Father's Drinking and Womanizing." 5. "Good, Billy ... now if you shoot two more abortion doctors, how many are left then?" 6. Takes about nine pumps to get a decent flow going on the Ritalin keg. 7. You can't understand why you get Mrs. Culpepper every year. Your last name? Culpepper. 8. No matter how interesting you make the curriculum, Junior always wants to go down the block to Ms. LeTourneau's home school. 9. Five bucks for a PB&J seems high, but Dad has to make a profit somewhere. 10. Mom calls them "Environmental Studies field trips," but it seems suspiciously like taking out the garbage. 11. Sex education with Mom consists of nothing but gardening metaphors. 12. Sure, you're the valedictorian and the star of the basketball team, but your prom date choices are limited to your mom and the UPS guy. 15. Despite the cheerleader outfit, Mom's pep rallies suck. 16. Prom Committee deadlock among Teletubbies, Barbie Dreamhouse, and WWF Extreme Smack-Down themes now entering third month. And the biggest problem with home schooling ... 17. Ever since Dad left, Mom's always trying to nail you in the groin at dodgeball. The Dam Letter. This an actual letter sent to Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality. The reply is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the letter of reply. SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free- flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to con tact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David
L. Price This is the actual response sent back. Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County. Dear Mr. Price, Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994 being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter...they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. Thank you, Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers Ronald Reagan said ... “The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.” “The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant: It’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.” “Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong.” “I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment’s would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.” “The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” “Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.” “If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.” “The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.” “I’ve laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it’s in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.” “It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.” “Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.” “Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.” “No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.” Award Winning Idiots 2004 Number One Idiot of 2004 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Number Two Idiot of 2004 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Number Three Idiot of 2004 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Number Four Idiot of 2004 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. Idiot Number Five of 2004 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. Idiot Number Six of 2004 Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape Oh that smarts. Idiot Number Seven of 2004 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Recently
Spotted Bumper Stickers Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water. I'm pretty sure God prefers spiritual fruits to religious nuts. Lord, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am. If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat? When the church ruled the world it was called the Dark Ages. I give evolution two opposable thumbs up. I do listen to your prayers. I'm just not interested in the game. – God I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays. Jesus is coming. Look busy! God's true name is unpronounceable, because God is Welsh. Lord, walk beside me with your arm on my shoulder, and your hand over my mouth. Forget world peace – visualize using your turn signal! WWJD? I bet he'd use his turn signal! God favors no group – only religions do that. Dyslexic Satanists, sell their souls to Santa. If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go. “God
is dead.” – Neitzche Hell's too hot, and heaven's full of religious people. That's supposed to be a choice? Come the Rapture, can I have your car? |
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